Friday, March 12, 2010


I love how kids tend to make things more dramatic than they really are through their imagination. Like how, in your memory something was HUGE, but if you saw it again now, it would be no big deal.

Like when I rode Space Mountain in Disney World with my Dad when I was little. It was the coolest roller coaster of all time. So dark that you couldn't see where the next turn was. And that first drop after you go through that lit up tunnel- amazing. But then I went on it ten years later, and I could see the mechanics of what was going on inside... not so amazing anymore (but still fun of course!)

And here's another example that I've been wanting to mention:

One day when I was little, I was in my parents' bathroom and discovered a pretty little bottle on my Mom's side of the sink. The label on it? "Poison."

In reality it looked something like this: (Though I think I remember it purple)

But I saw something more like this:
I was horrified. How did I not know all this time that my Mom was trying to kill my brothers and I? With Poison? She could put that in anything! When would she do it?

My Mom came to tuck me in that night. I barely talked to her, and she continually asked me what was wrong, but I was just too scared to answer. If she knew that I knew her secret, it would definitely be over. Definitely.

So the next day, I did what any kid does when they think their Mom is going to murder them. I was a complete angel. I picked things up, I didn't fight with my brothers, and I stayed out of my Mom's way. I also didn't eat anything that I didn't prepare myself. Which basically left me with dried cereal-- until it occurred to me that she could have poisoned the whole box. When my brother's started acting up, I told them they need to stop it, but I wouldn't tell them why except for it was a VERY VERY GOOD REASON and they would regret it if they didn't listen (I didn't want to scare them with the truth you see, I was a good big sister like that.) So my mom told my dad that I was acting weird (apparently angel-behavior was very un-Lauren-like) and they both confronted me in their bedroom.

"Lauren what's wrong?" asked my dad.
"MOM'S TRYING TO KILL US! I SAW THE POISON!" I blurted out. Clearly my dad was stronger than my mom, so he could fix it.
"I'm not trying to kill you, what are you talking about?" my mom asked.

So I showed them the Poison.

My mom laughed. Which in reality was what anyone would do, and was probably good-natured. But I heard an evil laugh. Mwah. ha. HA.

She tried to explain that it wasn't poison, but rather a perfume named Poison.

A likely story.

She tried to prove it my spraying it on Dad. And he was going to let her! He'd been fooled, too!

In my mind she was trying to get the strongest of us out of the way first before going after the kids. So, I cried.

So she sprayed it on herself. (Obviously she had no way out.)

And nothing happened.

And I immediately felt stupid for thinking that my lovely mommy wanted to kill us. In fact it may have been the first official time I felt stupid in my whole life.

The Lesson? Kids may blow things out of proportion. But when they grow up, it'll make a great story for their blog.

(Next time, on "Kids blowing things out of proportion" I'll tell you about the time I found a million little teeth in Mom's drawer, which clearly meant she was a witch.)


  1. Great story!
    And yes, kids can blow things out of proportion. After yelling at Aiden (only minorly), he said he wished he didn't exist. Coming out of a 4 year old...I just cracked up.